Friday, February 03, 2006

Meeting of the Minds

[Johnny Damon enters an empty golf course, freckled with golden tees. A cold wind blows. He stands, waiting. A turtlenecked figure emerges from the shadows.]

JD: Hey, Mr. S! What's shakin'? [ He extends his hand.]

GS: SILENCE, FOOL. On your knees!

JD: [muttering as he kneels] Fuck, I thought that was just a rumor.

GS: WHAT WAS THAT?

JD:
Nothing...s-sir.

GS: ARE YOU LOOKING DIRECTLY AT ME?

JD:
N-no.

GS: [extends his arm, showing off a large, glittering diamond] YOU MAY KISS THE RINGj

JD: Uh, okay. [kisses the ring]

GS: ARE YOU READY TO BECOME A TRUE YANKEE, FOOL?

JD: You bet I am!

GS: [reaches under his turtleneck to produce a vial. He extends a liver-spotted hand in front of Damon's head, motioning it toward the vial. Smoky strands of red exit Damon's body.] AH, YES.

JD: Geez, what the fuck is that...sir?

GS: YOUR SOUL.

JD:
Cool.

GS: [corks the vial, then produces another from under his turtle neck. It is bigger, filled with burned rubber, brownish water, and chest hair. He uncorks it.] DRINK THIS NOW.

JD: [smells the contents] Uuakgh, it stinks.

GS: THAT IS ESSENSE OF JERSEY, FOOL. YOU WILL LEARN TO LIKE IT.

JD: [quaffs the vial, choking and sputtering] Ugha....ALL OTHER TEAMS ARE INFERIOR. MAKING THE ALL-STAR TEAM MEANS NOTHING IF I DO NOT IT AS A YANKEE. I WILL WEAR A 3 DIGIT JERSEY BECAUSE THE NUMBERS OF ALL MY TRUE YANKEE FOREFATHERS SHOULD BE RETIRED.

GS: CAN IT, FOOL. I HAVE HEARD IT BEFORE. [He kicks Damon over and exits into the shadows.]

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

6 more weeks of beer

February 1, 2006

To: Red Sox Team Members
From: HR
Re: Recent behavior

Gentlemen,

February is upon us, and I have been informed that you are all too acutely aware of what the second day of February is. Groundhog's Day is a delightful American tradition and a time for quaint celebration.

It is not a time for making fun of your teammates. Asking Mr. Wells if he is ready to see his shadow is rude and will not be tolerated. Also, please note that because spring training starts incredibly soon, stating that if Mr. Wells does see his shadow that it will be six more weeks of drinking is poor form.

Finally, please note that making size jokes about someone who could place you inside of a locker or hang you from the shower head by your underpants is ill advised.

Thank you,

HR

NB: Mr. Clement's inhaler is missing again. If anyone should find it, I am sure you are all well aware of the drill.