Friday, January 20, 2006

Therapy.

Psychiatrist: Okay Mr. Shaughnessy, just relax. This is a simple word association test. I am going to say a word and all you have to do is reply with the first word that comes to mind. Do you have any questions?

Dan Shaughnessy: No.

P: Let's begin. "Up."

DS: Down.

P: "Right."

DS: Left

P: "Hot."

DS: Cold.

P: (mildly irritated) "Good."

DS: (quickly) Bad!

P: "Light."

DS: Dark!

P: "Pretty."

DS: Ugly!

P: "Soft."

DS: Hard.

P: (pause) God.

DS: Nomar...no...Theo...no...Nom-- (starts sobbing uncontrollably)

P: I'm sorry, our time is up.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Plus!

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Dear Mom and Dad,

Hi! It's your son, Kevin. I had such a good time seeing you guys at Chanukah.* Wasn't it funny when I put the dog in a sweater? Anyhow, I'm just writing to tell you that I've got some really good news! I don't have to play first base anymore!

Jed and Ben called me this morning and told me that they're inventing a whole new position for me, called 3rd Base Plus! The league is cool with it. Basically, while Mike Lowell is playing third base, I am going to be playing right next to him! They're going to let J.T. Snow handle first, since I am needed at 3rd Base Plus. It's amazing how innovative this team is. I'm sure other teams will cotton right on to doing it. Ben and Jed said it's going to be more physically demanding (since it is 3rd Base Plus), so I'm working hard at getting faster.

Anyway, I hope you guys are well. I look forward to your visit later!

Love,
Kevin Youkilis
Greek God of Walks


*my transcriber is fired.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You get a line...



Scene: A nice Los Angeles restaurant.

Grady Little: This meeting of Displaced East Coasters is now in session.

Bill Mueller: Excuse me sir, I am from the midwest.

Nomar Garciaparra: I am from California.

GL: Well, boys, I'm from Texas and I ain't supposin' that's on the east coast either. Let's think of a new name.

Derek Lowe: I propose the Dodgers Drinking Club.

NG: That's not bad.

GL: Good work, son.

BM: Excuse me, I'm a teetotaler.

DL: *cough*pussy*cough*

NG: Excuse me Derek, last time I checked, Doug Mirabelli was put on a completely different NL California team.

DL: Sorry, Bill.

BM: No harm done, Derek. Anyhow, I propose we call ourselves the Four Friends.

GL: Nah, we need something with a little more zip. I r'member back'n Texas, we had this club and I tell ya, we jus' had the best time. YOU GET A LINE, I GET POLE. WE'LL GO FISHIN' DOWN AT CRAWDAD COVE...

NG: (sotto voce) Oh, um, he's singing.

GL: YOU GET A LINE

BM: I-I'll get a pole...

DL: (quickly) We could call ourselves....um....

NG: There's gotta be something.

[enter Frank McCourt]

Frank McCourt: Heeey! It's my guys!

BM: Um, hello sir.

FM: Grady! We need to meet later today. We might have a trade in the works. I don't want to say anything in front of my guys, but there might be a signing in the works. Rhymes with Pill-ar! (conspiratorially winks)

GL: Oh, heavens.

FM: Heh heh! Cowboy up!

BM: Um, bartender?


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Well, he sure filled out.

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Dougie: Hello?

Wake: Hey, buddy.

Dougie: Sup?

Wake: I was just hoping you could help me make a call.

Dougie: Anything you need, man.

Wake: What should I make for dinner tonight?

Dougie: Chicken parm.

Wake: ....really? That's what you said last night. And the night before.

Dougie:
You gotta play to your strengths, man. There are tons of other guys out there who make a shrimp scampi or roasted pork loin. Your pork loin is fine, but the chicken parm is your bread and butter.

Wake: It's like you, you know me, man.

Dougie: C'mon dude, don't cry. Tek, he knows his stuff.

Wake: (sobbing now) He...he...he suggested I make v-v-vegetable soup!

Dougie: Oh. I see.

Wake: Yeah.

Dougie: He'll learn you, man. He's a good guy.

Wake: Dude, every time I go up to him, he's working on his Matt Clement binder!

Dougie: Makes sense. (beat) But look, just go with your instincts. You're gonna be fine. Come on, give us a smile.

Wake: O-okay.

Dougie: I can tell you're not smiling. Come on. Who's Dougie's favorite thug?

Wake: I...I am.

Dougie: That's right. Now, be sure to send Dougie some of that parm when you hit up the left coast.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Strategy



Ben: Well, Jed, we have a problem.

Jed: (takes puff of asthma inhaler) Um. Yeah.

Ben: How many vacant positions are we at?

Jed: I guess 2. If we don't trade Manny. And if we keep Kevin Youkilis at first base.

Ben: (pops a handful of Tums) It seems like so much more.

Jed: How in the world are we going to find a shortstop and a center fielder?

Ben: Jedders, there's only one way.

Jed: You get the dartboard. I'll get the hatful of names.

Ben: You don't think they've caught on, do you?

Jed: Oh, no, John Flaherty and all the third basemen ever made really good sense. Really.