Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Red Sox Unclear on Phrase

Boston, Ma -- In a startling development after Wednesday's game, most of the 25 man roster and the coaching staff of the Boston Red Sox revealed that they do not know what it is to "make girls cry."

"I put on a good at bat in the eighth. I battled," stated Kevin Youkilis, first baseman. "I do not understand how my strikeout falls under the category of making girls cry."

When asked if his pitching performance was enough to make girls cry, Matt Clement responded, "I'm not sure. What makes girls cry? If it is failing to produce a quality start, well, maybe it could be. But probably not." Clement was quick to point out that he got hit by a batted ball in the second inning and thus his pitching performance shouldn't be linked to girls crying.

Left fielder Manny Ramirez proved to be a tough out on Wednesday night. When asked if his performance was at least partly an effort not to make girls cry, Ramirez said, "I think it would be fun to ride a green pony. Want some chicken?"

"I'm really not sure what I did," manager Terry Francona replied when informed about the crying girls. "I mean, Julian Tavarez and Rudy Seanez in a close game against the Yankees? What is wrong with that? It's not like opponents are batting .400 off of them."

When approached, Keith Foulke rolled his eyes and suggested "they grow a pair."

However, at least two members of the Red Sox are aware of what it means to make girls cry and are attempting to prevent it. Second baseman Mark Loretta said, "I knew the girls wanted me to get on base to keep the inning alive for David Ortiz. It was really hard to stand there as Kyle Farnsworth hurled 97 mile an hour fastballs at my head. Don't check my cup now, is all I'm saying. But I did it for the girls. I'm sorry for the loss, ladies."

David Ortiz proved unable to deliver after Loretta reached base. After dismantling a punching bag behind closed doors so as not to scare any errant girl who might be walking by, Ortiz emerged with with stuffed animals, candy, and an offer to hug anyone who needed it.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

NESN Cribs

Hello. My name is Mike Lowell, and welcome to my crib.

Feel free to take your shoes off. My home is your home. Let's start in the living room. Yes, the carpet is soft, isn't it? I always say, "Soft carpet, soft heart." Oh, you think my Julie Andrews DVD collection is neat? Why, thanks. No, you can't get it in stores. Ms. Andrews just knows I'm a fan. Let me see if I can get you a copy.

Over here you'll find the kitchen. Are you hungry? I spent this morning working on a pear tart. It's my mother's recipe. She used to make it when I was a little lad in Puerto Rico. Please, have a slice. Would you like homemade ice cream with that? Oh, please. You're too kind.

Oh, no this isn't the bedroom. This is my salsa room. You want me to dance for you now? Well, I suppose if that's what you really want. You'll have to accompany me, though. Don't be silly. Just feel the rhythm. Maestro?

Yes, that was fun! Did I win any awards? Oh, just a couple, back in the day. It's just a really relaxing way to spend the offseason.

The bedroom is just over this way. You might laugh at me, but, well, the yellow walls just make it feel so homey. It is like waking up bathed in sunshine every morning. Really, it's very relaxing. Oh, you like the soaps? Actually, no, you can't get them in stores. I made them. Oh, please, you're embarrassing me. It's not that hard. I just got these wonderful new soap molds in the other day. I'll be happy to send you some.

So yes, this is my crib. Thank you very much. I had a wonderful time too.