Friday, March 24, 2006

Go Team USA!

Our sources say Alex Rodriguez has received a photo card from pitcher Mike Timlin. The inside of the card read, "It sure was fun playing together in the WBC. See you 19 times this season!" followed by a Bible verse.

The cover of the card may be found here.

No word on when Rodriguez plans to get out of bed.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Breaking News

My hand is so heavy with Super Bowl rings I cannot even get my shirt on. What should I do?

Hey there pardner Diddy says maybe I can help you out with that.

The thing is, we here at Keep It Above the Mendoza Line like to bring the news to you. The news that you need to know. The news of things that maybe didn't happen but probably should. Things have been rather slow here lately, so in dedication to you, the readers of KIAML, we took a flight from our HQ here to Boston and then to Fort Myers in search to bring you the story.

Here are a few tidbits:

--David Wells is planning on sticking around. How do we know? Because we read it in the paper? Pshht. Because he's investing in a sidecar for Kevin Youkilis.
--Much like a father interviewing nannies for his children, Terry Francona has selected a new caregiver for Manny Ramirez. Alex Gonzalez may not be the hot Portuguese 23 year old you wanted, but he's not going to get you in trouble with the wife.
--Not wearing sunscreen is not an option. The street team WILL find you.

But the big story went something like this:

Hey there, want to grab dinner?

You did not lead me astray with cookies. I will trust your dinner choice.

Is sushi okay? No one else will eat it with me. Trot don't eat no sushi.

That is fine. I will be happy to learn the culture of Fort Myers.

Excellent! And you know, if you don't want it raw, you don't have to. Tek things they will accidentally not cook his but that's not true. And if David Wells tries to tell you that it is [whispers] pussy [ end whisper] food, just send him to me. For some reason I intimidate him.

Want to be best friends forever? Here is one half of an amulet.